ProblemO.

hey guys! i've been abandoning this blog for the past 3 months already, and since i'm having my holiday now (yes i'm in jakarta, yay for that!) and i got nothing to do but laying on bed and wasting my time by browsing the internet, i think it would be a productive idea to share my experiences and stories into my own virtual journal.

phew what a long intro it was. anyway, semester 2 is over and i've passed those troubles and most complicated units of all time! (*cough cyberculture sucks) apparently, my study life in PIBT doing diploma isn't over yet,  i got one unit left and i will be doing diploma and bachelor degree at the same time this semester. so many things happened in the past 3 months as well, problems are always there my friend. they just love to stick around in my life, but as what the oldies said, problem is what makes you stronger; no matter how i hate those saying, but hey it's a fact, well sometimes.

i felt alot of changes in my life since a big thing happened last year (3 years. together. over). didn't have the chance to feel what being completely single feels like. hmm.. have you ever feel like you love this thing so much but you know you got to let go in order to get something what you really deserves? i do. twice. have you ever feel like 'for the best' isn't the best at all? have you ever feel to love someone that is not right and have the passion to change them but they just can't? i know its complicated, it is always complicated. knowing that the answer is right in front of you face, but you just can't accept it or pretending that is not there; and you know the risk of not knowing, but you ignore it as if its not there. why? for your own temporary pleasure.

I know that God is watching me from above, He knows that i know the answer, what is right and wrong. He knows that i'm playing with fire, with sin. He knows that i'm doing this for the sake of pleasure. He sent me friends to warn me in the long run, and i am thankful for that. but why? why God has not work in him yet? why they are full of mystery? why do i have to make things so complicated? why this happened in the first place? crying out loud won't ease the problems, but the problems will eventually grow. what i feel right now is indescribable, i don't think a high famous writer can even describe my feelings in a piece of paper.

people told me that i'm still young and you got so many chances and times ahead of you. having someone to hold and to care are something that is not necessary or sth that is of no real worth. excuse my shallow understanding or my youth way of thinking, but i do. well not that it is important, but it makes me.... happy. moving to Perth and facing things by urself is hard, and having that someone special does help me in a way that someone is actual there, someone who you can express your love to and receiving them. well i do understand that people can't understand how i feel now, i know this feeling is somehow wrong and forbidden perhaps. i'm not saying that those people is evil or bad, completely not. they are pple who i look up to, who are wise and experienced. they are my guidance and they care for me, i know God sent those pple to build my faith stronger.

what i did is wrong, i made mistakes, pple makes mistake. i fell to sin, i rise and i fell again. that is why i need those people to guide me. right now, my mind is unclear. holiday does help me to ease my mood, but it doesn't help me in the long run. so, i need to think wisely and set up my future. if God said no then it is a no. no matter how bad i want it, i want that temporary pleasure.

a long writing, i know. but my feelings and stories are way longer than this 6 paragraphs of words. being right is always hard, that is why Jesus went through all those pain and sufferings even though he was doing the right thing, to save me and you.

oh and i got a song to share with you guys, i saw this in youtube and right then i fell in love with the song and lyrics. these three girls are my favorite as well, they are beautiful inside and outside and most important of all they are sisters and children of Christ. hope you enjoy it!

thanks for reading,
i hope you bear with me in this long post.

and remember that God is always there. God bless :)

E.